GENERAL
COMMENTS
As is
the case with almost all sex, your partner will know
better than anyone else what feels good, so listen to
what she has to say, especially as regards comfort and
intensity. I'm not going to pepper this document with
phrases such as "within the comfort level of your
partner" because it should go without saying.
Encourage her to talk to you, back off if it's too
much, and change it if it would feel better in some
other way. Let's face it; if it weren't for good
feedback, this document wouldn't exist.
It
should also go without saying that every woman is
different, and that you should pay attention to what
feels good for each person you are with. What I'm
going to describe below has worked well with MANY of
the people I have been with, but not ALL, and not in
exactly the same way with each person. One key thing
to get is that you can be communicative and responsive
while still being confident. Practice this.
The
advice in this document applies equally whether the
insertive partner is male or female (though if you
close your eyes, it doesn't really matter, does
it...). It is assumed, however, (except in the "ON
MEN" section discussing the prostate gland) that the
receptive partner has
female genitalia.
Oh, one
other thing. Most of the people around me have
reclaimed the word "cunt" so that it no longer has
derogatory connotations. I'm going to make free use of
that term in this document.
THE
BASIC TECHNIQUE
First,
clip your fingernails. Unless you and your partner are
latex-monogamous, put on latex gloves. If you
absolutely must have long fingernails for fashion
reasons, then put cotton balls around your fingernails
and wear latex gloves over them. Apply water-based
lube liberally to your insertive hand, whether your
partner is aroused and "wet" or not.
The
idea in general is to use the first and second fingers
of one's preferred hand in the vagina, in one of two
basic patterns. Alternate between these two patterns
as desired during the course of sex.
1.
Slowly insert the fingers as far into the vagina as
far as is possible/comfortable, and move them in even
circles. The trick here is to keep consistent, firm
pressure along the entire length of the fingers
against the vaginal walls, and to keep the pressure
fairly constant at all points in the rotation (though
you can give a LITTLE extra pressure at 12 o'clock, in
the direction of the G-spot, as long as you don't
break the rotational rhythm.)
2.
Place your fingers so that the fingertips are just
behind the pubic bone, exerting pressure upwards
(assuming your partner is lying on her back). This is
direct G-spot stimulation, and feels best if the
fingers are subtlely moving somehow. You can slowly
rock in a circular motion, or if the fingers are
pointed more sharply upwards you can rock forwards and
back. Sometimes firm pressure is preferred here,
depending on the amount and sensitivity of the tissue
between the vaginal wall and the urethral sponge (see
below).
BUT
WHY?
The
reason this feels so good is that it alternates
feelings of being completely stuffed (#1) with direct
G-spot stimulation (#2). So it's like being fucked by
a huge cock with fingers and a brain. It also provides
a great, and as far as we know optimal, opportunity
for G-spot orgasms.
EMBELLISHMENTS
There's
certainly other techniques you can add to your manual
repertoire.
You can
thrust your hand in and out in a simulated fucking
style (and for an extra thrill, exert pressure upwards
when withdrawing so you involve the G-spot on the way
out).
You can
use your thumb (of the insertive hand, or of another
gloved hand) to stimulate the clitoris while working
over her cunt.
You can
use your non-insertive hand to do a wide variety of
things:
* Holding her
* Running your hands over her body
* Pinching nipples
* Grabbing hair
* Holding her hands above her head
* Massaging/penetrating the anus (if she's lying on
her side and your
anal hand is gloved and lubed)
* Having her suck your fingers
* Etc.
You can
lie down or crouch so that your head is next to hers
and whisper hot things in her ear.
Some
people put smooth, round beads in the fingertips of
their gloves to provide more intense sensations when
they have their hand in someone.
Other
people slit their gloves up both sides, fold that up
as a flap, and do oral sex on the clit through the
flap while having their fingers in their lover's cunt
(though you might want to get non-powdered gloves if
you're going to do that so they taste better, or using
a damp sponge wipe the powder off YOUR side of the
flap).
One
thing I personally can't do due to the size of my
hands is actually vaginally fist someone. However, if
your hands are small enough to do this with one of
your female lovers and she's curious about it, it's
definitely worth a try. With your hand palm up (and
your lover on her back), you bring the fingers and
thumb together to form a duck bill. With massaging,
and possibly twisting motions, this can be worked into
the vagina. If anatomy allows it, once you get in past
the third knuckles the fingers will start to gently
and naturally curve back to form a fist. Anyway, the
whole procedure can take time, but the women and men
who can take a whole fist vaginally or anally claim
that it leads them to transcendant, spiritual states.
See _Trust: The Handballing Book_ by Bert Herrman for
a discussion of anal fisting, if that is your area of
interest.
Oh, and
before I forget... You and your partner might find the
techniques described in this document to be more
enjoyable if she is masturbating you as you are
masturbating her (and whether you're male or female,
remember the lube!)
But
after having presented a multitude of specific
techniques, let me say that eventually you can go
beyond thinking about manual techniques at all and
just go with the flow, being creative.
ON
MULTIPLE ORGASMS
Most
women who have experienced both claim that it is
easier to have multiple G-spot orgasms than it is to
have multiple clitoral orgasms. So, when you have your
hand in some lovely tart, don't let the fact that she
starts coming affect what you're doing too much.
Whisper some words of encouragement to her and maybe
rachet up the intensity just a little bit, but
basically keep going through her orgasm, afterwards,
and into the next one. Let HER tell you when she can't
take any more; no sense in setting a priori limits :)
There is often a pyramid effect with multiple G-spot
orgasms; each one makes the next one feel better, and
makes almost anything else sexual feel better too.
However, it should be said that it isn't too sexually
or psychologically appealing to have a huge
ego/emotional stake in having orgasms or having
multiple orgasms, whether the person of concern is you
or your partner. There's no point in getting "goal
oriented" about something that's supposed to be fun.
ANATOMICAL MUSINGS ON FEMALE EJACULATION AND THE
PRESENCE OF THE G-SPOT
I'm not
a doctor, and I don't even play one on TV. But...
According to _The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex_ by
Cathy Winks and Anne Semans (which you should ALL
get), the G-spot, anatomically, is the area beneath
the urethral sponge. This would certainly at least
partially explain its role in female ejaculation. It
also sheds light on why G-spot stimulation makes some
women feel like they have to pee when they really
don't (though it HAS been shown that female ejaculate
is NOT urine).
If
you're interested in learning more on this topic you
might consider watching the films _How to Female
Ejaculate_ and _Sluts and Goddesses_. Still, it should
be pointed out that female ejaculation is NOT a
universal response to G-spot stimulation and orgasm;
even among people who enjoy G-spot orgasms, it's still
pretty rare.
So,
since every woman has a urethral sponge, every woman
has a G-spot. The only question is whether (#1) she
likes having it stimulated and (#2) whether someone
has used the proper technique and sufficiently firm
pressure on it so that it IS being stimulated. When
surveys show that a large percentage of women claim
not to enjoy/notice G-spot stimulation, I personally
suspect that it is often through concern #2 rather
than from concern #1. That's purely speculative, of
course; I have no data to back up that assertion. But
anyway, try what I'm describing with some friends of
yours and see what you think.
ON
FINGER LENGTH
It
helps to have long fingers, but it's no big deal. As
long as your fingers can reach the G-spot and a little
ways beyond, you're fine.
ON MEN
Many of
these g-spot techniques will work in a similar fashion
on men when performed anally. Men have what is called
a "prostate gland," the stimulation of which can
provoke and/or intensify orgasms. One may stimulate
the prostate gland with the fingers a few inches
inside the anus by pressing towards the penis. The
prostate gland can often be palpated, and often feels
like a little dome. Please see Jack Morin's book _Anal
Pleasure and Health_ or _The Good Vibrations Guide to
Sex_ by Winks and Semans for more information on
prostate stimulation.
SAFER
SEX CHOICES
To be
completely safe with manual stimulation, you should
wear gloves and
use lube.
The
best gloves to use are latex; vinyl feels terrible. It
doesn't matter whether the gloves are powdered or not,
but be sure they fit you properly. Also, always use
water-based lube on the outside of your gloves,
preferably something nice and thick (without
Nonoxynol-9) like ForPlay. It doesn't matter if the
receptive partner is highly aroused and "wet" or not;
use lube anyway. Oil-based lubes like regular Crisco
have their place in anal fisting, but oils can break
down latex and can provoke vaginitis when used in the
vagina.
Anyway,
turning to safe sex in general for a moment, I've
tried a lot of the products out there and have settled
on the following:
Water-based Lube:
ForPlay, without N-9
Latex Condoms: Kimono MicroThins, without N-9
Oral Barriers: Glyde "Lollyles"
Gloves: Standard Latex Examination Gloves, powdered
Towelettes: Benzalkonium Chloride antiseptic
towelettes
The
Kimono MicroThin condoms taste fine for oral sex;
certainly, they taste better than powdered, unlubed
condoms and those mint condoms. The Glyde barriers,
like all oral barriers, feel even better if you put a
drop of water-based lube on your partner's side before
applying them. Some people like to put a drop of
water-based lube in the tip of a condom
before putting it on to increase sensation.
GETTING
SAFE SEX SUPPLIES
If
you're in Seattle or are willing to do mail order, the
best place to get lube is Toys in Babeland
(206-328-2914) and the best place to get condoms and
Glyde oral barriers is The Rubber Tree (206-633-4750).
The best place to get Antiseptic Towlettes in Seattle
is Choice Medical (206-329-1668), but through mail
order you might try Conney (800-356-9100). The best
place to get latex examination gloves in Seattle is
Bartel drugs, but through mail order you might try
Conney again (800-356-9100). If you want more
information on safer sex and for a listing of
sexuality resources, please refer to the Society for
Human Sexuality WWW page at
http://www.sexuality.org/
MAKING
A SAFER SEX TOY BAG
You can
make a toy bag with your safe sex supplies in them
which you can just grab when going out to play. With
the lube, you can get a little bottle for it that you
can refill from your economy bottle. Condoms and
towelettes come attached to each other in groups, so
they stay neat. You can put all the Glyde dams in one
small zip-lock bag, and put a supply of gloves INSIDE
one glove for storage. This whole kit should then fit
in a hip pack or a pocket of a bookbag for a minimum
of fumbling around in the heat of passion.
ON
FILM...
If you
want to get any of the films mentioned in this
document (oh, and one other we recommend: _Safe is
Desire_), you can buy them from Good Vibrations
(800-289-8423) or if you're in Seattle rent them from
Scarecrow Video (206-524-8554).
Happy
Loving!
The Society for Human Sexuality at University of
Washington
E-Mail: sfpse@u.washington.edu
WWW Home Page:
http://www.sexuality.org/
Mailing List: Send e-mail to listproc@u.washington.edu
with "info shs"
as the sole body of the message.
Mail: University of Washington / Society for Human
Sexuality
SAO 141 / Box 352238 / Seattle, WA 98195
